Posted on Jan 1, 2014 in Blog |
One of my goals is to just write and post (with no editing). Here goes . . .
I planned to write a really amazing, insightful, uplifting blog post today to start the new year. I read everyone else’s as they came through the email and on Facebook. I sat here instead and sulked. I don’t want to do anything today. I don’t want to talk about last year. I don’t want to plan for this year. I don’t want to make resolutions. I don’t want to set goals.
Today, I want to play with my puppies, read, clean out my closet, do some needlepoint, and nap. I have to do laundry, so I guess I will put that on my want list to so it looks more politically correct.
2013 was great and it sucked. Done.
2014 is going to be similar. So what. I can’t change what happens. I can’t control it. I just have to get through it.
I’m not even in a bad mood. I think I’m tired of having to DO things. I don’t want to “accomplish” anything today. I just want to BE.
There you go. That’s what I want. For 50 years, I have been obsessed with DOING. And today is the first time I have wanted to just BE.
Last night, as we sat around the dinner table, we talked about what our “word” for the year should be. We get to choose our words. I was trying to choose between Write, Health, and Uplift. But nix those. This year, my word is BE.
I want to BE ME. I want to be authentic, real, honest, straight-forward. I want to surround myself AGAIN with those like me. I don’t like to play games. I hate politics. I resent pretense. I can’t stand schmoozing or schmoozers.
I lost my puppy almost a year ago. I miss Riley. I adore these two puppies sleeping beside me right now. But Riley and I had a connection I never had with another animal. And I miss that. I miss him. Earlier in the morning before he was killed, Riley played with me in bed, letting me scratch him, pet him, just love him. He nuzzled me, licked my nose, moved so I could scratch him in his favorite spot. We shared about a half hour of just extra love time. Two hours later he was dead. I have held onto that extra love time, feeling grateful for those extra minutes he gave me.
After that day, I started having an extra love time with our oldest dog, Reagan. It just made me feel better to share it with Reagan. And I know Reagan loves it. And now, with Rowdy and Lola, I do the same thing. Because when I get out of bed in the morning, I never know if that’s the last love time I will have with any of them. And I want to make sure I enjoyed every moment.
I have tried to transfer this to my family and friends as well. I try to tell Jeff at least twice a day how much I love him. I tell him what I love about him. I thank him for the things he has done for me today. I try to give something back to him to show him my love and appreciation. Because, tomorrow, I don’t know if I will have that chance. And I never want him to doubt how much he means to me; how lucky I feel to be his bride, to be his best friend.
Wow, didn’t mean for this to be depressing. I’m really not depressed. I think I just feel more appreciative today for the love in my love. I’ve lived in relationships where there is little or no love, honor, or respect. And it’s not worth it to be in those relationships, no matter what.
I’m incredibly lucky. I know that.
Today, I just want to focus on what is. Not what was, or what will be. I just want to luxuriate in BEING.