Posted on Jun 18, 2010 in Blog |

It’s 11:30 pm and after 45 minutes of lying in bed with the lights out, I finally got up and decided that if I write everything down that is swirling in my head, maybe I can leave it on the paper and go back to bed and fall asleep quickly.

Swirling

-worrying about a long distance friend with Lyme who had a few great weeks and now is below low in physical and emotional well-being. This disease injects a new definition of weariness into our lives. It is a physical and mental exhaustion beyond anything I have ever endured or fathomed before. By the time I got to my Lyme diagnosis, I was already exhausted, too tired to be angry and in too much pain to realize how much energy it would take me to heal . . .

– I need to send a check to Craig for the chickens tomorrow

– it’s Stephen’s last week of his junior year – I didn’t get as much time with him this year because A: he had a car and drove himself to and from school; B: he had a car and went out a lot; C: our respective illnesses had us sleeping or lying in exhaustion more often. It’s his senior year next year and I’m already dreading it. It’s our last year . . . oh, boy, don’t go there . . .

– I need to send out to ad packets to vendors who called me today

– it’s Father’s Day and I haven’t the energy to go to a certain locale to find a certain item. Am hoping I have the energy tomorrow or Saturday. And desperately trying not to let it slip what I am looking for.

– hamburgers for dinner tomorrow night; do we have buns or do I need to pick them up?

– remember to bring home the Father’s Day cards that I hid in my office.

– my physical therapy went really well yesterday, but she absolutely exhausted me to the point that I spent the day in bed, not even sitting up. I took two cat naps, slept hard last night and made it to work today. But I am still feeling it; better, but slower than my impatient soul would like.

– two nights ago, I could not take in a full breath except in short choppy breaths. And it was uncomfortable. Tonight, I can breathe in fully and exhale slowly and smoothly; that’s the physical therapy working.

– I hate the taste of my medications in my mouth. Blech.

– my sister got her birthday flowers today; her birthday is in April. What can I say? Better late than never.

– why am I so consumed with being a human doing instead of a human being? Why did someone inject my DNA with this ruthless Puritanical work ethic that demands that I be a producer of something at all times in all ways. I believe in my heart and my head that it is important to be a human being, to put my family first, and then I go to work. . . being a workaholic is NOT good for the body or the soul and I really have trouble appropriately balancing the two.

– I like sharing offices with my husband during the day. I like seeing him throughout and not just at the end of a ten hour job.

– my niece just graduated from high school last week and man, is she hot! She’s a horse lover, so built rock solid, with gorgeous highlighted brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes you will ever see. She has always been attractive, but at her graduation party she absolutely radiated and looked stunning. I need to tell her this.

– I’m still grieving the loss of Noah Pier, our first fatality in six years of men and women we have sent care packages to. Noah wrote some sweet letters. So young. . . .it makes me more resolute in sending more and more packages.

– I haven’t picked up a book in a week, even though I am in the middle of one that I am enjoying (Holly Brown Chronicles by Jes Alexander), haven’t picked up a knitting or needlepoint project in four weeks. That’s where this Lyme weariness shows up the most often. I just lie down and do nothing. It’s frustrating as heck.

– I need to make the grocery list.

– the cat peed in the dirty laundry basket. I have washed those clothes five times and am too afraid to open the dryer to find out if they still smell. That darn cat.

– I am supposed to finish my first book by next weekend. Thinking I’m going to be a little late, but not because of a lack of desire, but lack of brain focus. Got to change this in the next eight days.

– I hope writing my second book will be easier than writing my first book. I think so, but I’m not counting chickens before they hatch.

– thank goodness I can buy organic chicken – no more arsenic poisoning for me!

– I am so sick of itching. Itching on my back where the original rash popped up, itching on my legs, my arms, my head, the tops of my toes, around the swollen parts of my ankles. Using the SkinCanDo cream – can’t wait to try her soap in tomorrow’s shower! I need something with all natural ingredients, no chemicals. She makes it in her kitchen.

– I get to meet some famous authors this summer. Totally psyched about that!

– Stephen is going to start helping me put everyone’s medications in the right pill dispenser box – with two of us, less likelihood of errors.

-we are out of cat food. Add it to the grocery list.

– how in the heck am I supposed to mediate? I cannot force a single thought out of here! I need a broom and a ‘shoe, fly, shoe’ voice.

– I want a green smoothie in the morning, but jeff didn’t bring up any kale. Am I going to have to walk down to the garden and do it myself?

– I really can’t believe I want a green smoothie so badly that I will walk down there and pick it . . .

-I hate walking on stairs. Can only go up one step at a time, same leg each time. I feel old, I look incompetent.

– another friend of mine is having a fairly significant medical procedure next week. There is nothing I can do for him but pray for a safe procedure and excellent outcome. But I am still going to worry about him.

Dr. M told me, ‘Sharon, you can save everyone who might have Lyme Disease. You simply cannot do it. You have got to keep some of that energy for yourself for healing. I need you to put yourself first. If you don’t have the energy to heal yourself, then you will be of no help in healing your family.’

I nodded in agreement. I know he’s right; but the stories are compelling and I feel a strong need to help. I think it’s called ‘compassion fatigue’ so I think I need to take some rest and recuperation time so I can get back up to that normal line . . .

– hm .. . guess that means I need to go to bed now that it’s 12:05.

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