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Sep12

When It’s Time to Take a Break from Treatment

Posted on Sep 12

This past week marked my seventh anniversary of seeing Dr. Mozayeni: September 9, 2009 (9/9/09). Some of you may be thinking, “wow, 7 years. That’s a long time to be in treatment. Isn’t she getting better?” Yes, I am. It is important to note here that I was sick for 29 years before getting an accurate diagnosis. Treatment is not going to be a short-term easy fix. I sent him a quick note saying, “My first appointment with you was seven years ago today. Thank you.” He replied, “ Amazing how time flies. Thanks for your trust. We’ve been through a lot. And we have more to do.” I replied, “Honestly, I was thinking of going a six month hiatus, physically and emotionally. Grateful for the safe place to do this work, but I’m tired.” And without missing a beat, he suggested, “ You could come in every three months and focus for now on . . . “ I’m showing you this interaction for a few reasons: 1. It’s important to say THANK YOU to your LLMD. 2....

Sep06

Dad’s Autopsy

Posted on Sep 6

Appropriate, Clear, Normal, Unremarkable, Usual Appear too many times, Used in circumstances I consider unimaginable and unacceptable. Too many measurements and percentages Objective Absent of emotion. “Organs glisten” So does the morning dew, But I cannot associate the two Listed Causes of Death Sepsis and Luminal Thrombus Relieve my guilt, certifying we did all we could But do not soften the searing intensity of my grief It confirms what we thought It denies what we feared It details the physical condition a man left this dimension in to proceed to another. It is void of spirit and emotion. An autopsy provides data for information and analysis. My friend who advised me against reading the document, Reading it himself and Translating only the necessary information, Is as good a friend as he is a physician. He knows I need spirit and emotion to describe my father. He knows there is more to any person’s life (and death) than data. An autopsy does not measure Dad’s: – generosity – compassion – integrity – commitment – thoughtfulness – passion – determination –...

Aug06

This Man – Series of Poems

Posted on Aug 6

This Man Brings me hot tea with honey and milk Soothing my worries before bed. Takes my face in his hands Reassures me of his unending love for me, for us. Kisses me gently as a seal of his promise he has kept for more than a quarter century. This man Massages my restless legs Lulling my mind to dreamland Covers my bare shoulders with our shared blanket. In moments of desperation and exasperation This Man Asks if maybe I need the meds again. Maybe I need to . . . . Speechless we are both. Tears speak more voluminously than any word. And Then This Man Takes me into his arms and Holds me, holding my grief with me. ### This Man Says, “Let’s take a ride” Three days of rain colored me as grey as the sky capping our valley. We drive the valley, Capturing photos of the Moments we relish each time we sit on the porch. This Man Stops every time I say Stop, even when it is ten feet at a time. Points out...

Aug06

Bearing Witness

Posted on Aug 6

Fifteen months apart, I bore witness to two Fathers’ deaths. Each Father Loved unconditionally Fretted about their children’s happiness Made mistakes Made amends Worked earnestly and fervently for their family, their community, and their country Honored their wives for their entire marriage Respect those who earned it Donated to causes they believed worthy Gave generously of knowledge, wisdom, experience, and insight Each Father Knew departure was within days and hours Was surrounded by family, by love Said all that was needed to say to each soul sharing the room Accepted our love and our final words as their final gifts from here Each Father, In the last hours of the last days, In the final words, Said to me, I love you. Each Father Accepted death as God’s Will and God’s Plan. Accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Ascended into the Kingdom of Heaven Was brought to God by their beloved. Was fully restored and Became an angel of God. This I know. Share...

Aug06

My Playlist from Dad’s Final 26 Days – The Songs with Words – Part 2

Posted on Aug 6

As I stated in my earlier post: During Dad’s 26 days and nights in the hospital, I listened to particular songs depending on what I needed. The music helped close out the hospital noises, helped me calm my breathing and anxiety, and it gave me a place for my emotions to connect and feel safe. This music transcended me at times. It felt as though I was talking to Dad in some of the songs, giving words to emotions that were so strong, I wasn’t sure I could survive the pain. Some of the songs were significant in their melodic tone, some were because of the specific lyrics, and some, because they allowed my tears to flow more easily. And some were my simple prayers to God, pleading for Him to heal Dad. Some of us connect through words, some through deeds and others through music. In my pain, when I couldn’t find my words, these songs found them for me. I probably should have researched what each of these songs meant to the songwriters, but at the time...

Aug01

My Play List During Dad’s Final 26 Days – Part 1 – The Instrumentals

Posted on Aug 1

PART 1 – The Instrumentals During Dad’s 26 days and nights in the hospital, I listened to particular songs depending on what I needed. The music helped close out the hospital noises, helped me calm my breathing and anxiety, and it gave me a place for my emotions to connect and feel safe. This music transcended me at times. It felt as though I was talking to Dad in some of the songs, giving words to emotions that were so strong, I wasn’t sure I could survive the pain. Some of the songs were significant in their melodic tone, some were because of the specific lyrics, and some, because they allowed my tears to flow more easily. And some were my simple prayers to God, pleading for Him to heal Dad. Some of us connect through words, some through deeds and others through music. In my pain, when I couldn’t find my words, these songs found them for me. I probably should have researched what each of these songs meant to the songwriters, but at the time I was...

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